UC-NRLF 


1M    DMT 


V4tfJ 


'::-< 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 


GIFT  OF 

MRS.   MARY  WOLFSOHN 

IN    MEMORY  OF 


I 

teflfrJJQK 


HENRY  WOLFSOHN 

^KM^MXM^JKMXM^K^KM: 


A  LETTER  OF  INTRODUCTION 


ffarce 


BY 

W.  D.   HOWELLS 


ILLUSTRATED  :\ 


NEW  YORK 

HARPER  AND  BROTHERS 
1892 


Copyright,  1892,  by  W.  D.  HOWELLS. 

All  rights  reserved. 


ILLUS  FRATIONS 


PAGE 

"Everything-  depends  upon  wn  •   kind  of  humor 

ne's  in-" Frontispiece 

"There  he  is!" .  31 

"  I  always  heard  the  American  lac'iivj  were  so  amiable."  .  37 
"  That  was  a  very  droll  expression  of  Mr.  Campbell's  about 

a  goat." '..... 45 


A  LETTER  OF   INTRODUCTION 

FARCE 

I 
MR.  AND  MRS.  EDWARD  ROBERTS 

TV/T  RS.  ROBERTS,  looking  in  upon  her 
•*•"  husband  from  the  door  of  the  li 
brary  in  their  apartment  at  Hotel  Belt- 
mgham :  "Well,  you've  got  rid  of  him, 
Edward." 

Roberts :  "  Yes,  at  last,  thank  Heaven  !" 
He  continues  writing  at  his  table,  with 
out  looking  up,  as  he  answers  his  wife. 
"  But  I  thought  he  never  would  go,  at 
one  time.  He  isn't  a  bad  kind  of  fellow, 
for  an  Englishman,  and  if  I  hadn't  been 
so  busy  with  this  paper,  I  shouldn't  have 
minded  his  staying.  Of  course  he  was 
nationally  English,  but  personally  he  was 
rather  nice.  Still  it  was  a  terrible  inter 
ruption,  just  at  this  moment." 


A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Why  didn't  you  hint 
to  him,  somehow,  to  go  away?" 

Roberts :  "  Well,  I  couldn't  do  that, 
you  know.  I  really  liked  him.  He  was 
so  very  amiable." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  his  being  amiable 
is  no  excuse.  You're  amiable  yourself, 
Edward  —  too  amiable,  if  anything.  I 
don't  call  it  amiable  to  take  up  almost  a 
full  hour  of  your  precious  time.  I  should 
think  any  one  who  came  in  and  saw  how 
busy  you  were,  now,  would  go  away  if  he 
had  a  heart  of  stone.  No,  I  can't  believe 
he  was  truly  amiable  ;  and  I  must  really 
do  something  to  protect  you  from  these 
constant  interruptions.  How  do  you 
think  I'd  better  do  it?" 

Roberts,  writing:  "Do  what?" 

Mrs.  Roberts,  sinking  into  a  chair,  and 
folding  her  hands  in  her  lap :  "  Protect 
you  from  these  interruptions." 

Roberts,  writing  :  "  Protect  who  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  '  "  You,  Edward.  My 
heart  bleeds  for  you,  to  see  you  so  driven 
with  your  work,  and  then  people  coming 
in  and  sitting  down,  and  talking  to  you. 
I  must  stop  it." 


A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION  9 

Roberts,  wViting :  "  Oh  yes.  Stop 
what  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  These  perfectly  killing 
interruptions.  I  should  think  you  would 
go  crazy." 

Roberts,  writing :  "  Who  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Why  you,  you  poor 
thing.  I  think  it's  worse  than  cruelty  to 
animals." 

Roberts,  writing :  "  Worse  than  cruelty 
to  animals.  Worse —  Why,  what  non 
sense  is  this  you've  made  me  write,  Ag 
nes?"  He  looks  up  at  her  in  a  daze. 
"  What  do  you  want,  Agnes  ?  And  do 
state  it  succinctly,  my  dear  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Why,  I  didn't  know 
but  you'd  asked  him  to  stay  to  lunch." 

Roberts,  writing  again  :  "  No  ;  I  didn't 
really  feel  that  I  could  give  the  time.  I 
should  have  liked  to  do  so,  and  I  suppose 
it  was  rather  shabby  not  to.  It  was  the 
least  he  could  have  expected."  He  con 
tinues  writing.  "  But  I've  done  the  next 
best  thing.  I've  given  him  a  letter  of 
introduction  to  Uncle  Philip,  and  he  will 
glut  him  with  all  kinds  of  hospitality 
when  he  gets  to  New  York." 


10  A    LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Yes."  After  a  mo 
ment.  "  Do  you  think  it  was  quite  right, 
Edward  ?" 

Roberts,  looking  up  :  "  Right  ?  What 
right?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  To  put  him  off  on  your 
uncle,  if  you  didn't  like  him  yourself?" 

Roberts  :  "  But  I  did  like  him.  I  liked 
him  as  well  as  it's  possible  to  like  any 
Englishman  on  short  notice.  You  have 
to  know  an  Englishman  several  days  be 
fore  you're  sure  you  like  him  ;  but  this 
one  was  really  very  pleasant,  and  I  told 
Uncle  Philip  he  would  probably  find  him 
,so,  unless  I  was  greatly  deceived.  But 
now,  Agnes,  you  must  really  let  me  go 
on — " 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Surely,  Edward,  you 
didn't  put  that  into  a  letter  of  introduc 
tion  ?" 

Roberts,  laughing :  "  That  I  would 
have  to  leave  open  for  him  to  read  ? 
Well,  I'm  not  quite  so  bad  as  that,  Ag 
nes.  I  wrote  a  letter  to  Uncle  Philip,  to 
go  through  the  post,  and  I  told  him  that 
as  soon  as  he  got  through  the  crust  of  a 
rather  insular  manner,  and  a  most  un- 


A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION  II 

accountable  enthusiasm  for  Americans, 
I'd  no  doubt  he'd  find  my  Englishman 
charming.  You  couldn't  suppose  I'd  put 
all  that  in  a  letter  of  introduction  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Of  course  not.  But 
you  know  you  are  so  absent-minded,  my 
dear,  and  I  couldn't  help  being  a  little 
afraid — " 

Roberts :  "  Your  fears  come  too  late, 
my  dear.  The  Englishman  is  gone,  and 
both  the  letters  with  him.  Now  you 
must  let  me  finish  this — 

Mrs.  Roberts,  rising  to  her  feet  in 
amazement .  "  Both  the  letters  with  him  ?" 

Roberts  :  "  Yes  ;  I  knew  he  would  pass 
the  letter-box  on  the  corner,  and  I  asked 
him  to  drop  Uncle  Philip's  letter  in  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Wasn't  that  rather  pe 
culiar,  Edward  ?" 

Roberts,  with  vexation:  "Peculiar? 
No  !  What  was  peculiar  about  it  ?" 

The  Voices,  in  the  anteroom,  without, 
of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Willis  Campbell : — 

He  :  "  In  the  library  ?  Well,  we'll  just 
push  right  in  on  them;" 

She :  "  And  Mrs.  Roberts  is  there  too  ?" 

Roberts :   "  Oh,  good    heavens !      Go 

2 

•"•< 


12  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

out,  Agnes,  and  stop  them  !  Take  them 
into  the  parlor  a  moment,  do,  till  I  get 
this—" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  You  know  I  can't  do 
that,  Edward !"•  To  Mrs.  Campbell,  at 
the  door:  "Ah!  Come  in,  Amy!  I'm 
so  glad  to  see  you."  The  ladies  kiss,  and 
Campbell  follows  his  wife  in. 


II 

•     MR.  AND  MRS.  CAMPBELL;    THE   ROB 
ERTS  ES 

Campbell:  "And  so  is  Roberts;  but  he 
doesn't  look  it.  Hope  I  don't  interrupt 
you,  Roberts,  as  people  say  when  they 
'know  they  do." 

Roberts,  who  has  pushed  away  his 
writing,  and  risen  to  greet  the  intruders 
with  forced  gayety :  "  How  do  you  do, 
Amy?  No;  I  was  just  getting  to  the 
end  of  my  morning's  work,  Willis." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  it'll  do  you  good  to 
break  off  before  you  reach  the  very  tip, 
then.  Keep  you  from  having  that  tired 
feeling,  you  know.  What  you  need  is  a 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  13 

little  dynamite  to  blast  you  out  of  your 
chair,  here,  every  morning  at  half  past 
twelve.  If  you  keep  on  writing  close  up 
to  lunch,  you'll  spoil  your  digestion." 

Roberts :  "  Well,  I  sha'n't  this  morn 
ing.  I've  had  an  Englishman  here  for 
the  last  hour,  and  I  feel  as  if  I  could  di 
gest  almost  anything." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Why,  it  must  have 
been  your  Englishman,  then,  whom  we 
met  at  the  corner,  as  we  came  here! 
There,  Willis  !  I  told  you  it  was  an  Eng 
lishman  !" 

Campbell :  "  I  couldn't  believe  it :  he 
was  so  confoundedly  agreeable,  and  he 
had  so  much  of  that  English  brogue, 
when  he  spoke,  that  I  thought  he  must 
be  a  New  Yorker." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Why,  how  came  he  to 
talk  with  you  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  he  was  hanging 
round  a  telegraph  pole,  trying  to  post  a 
letter  in  the  fire-alarm  box.  He  said  he'd 
been  asked  to  post  it  by  a  gentleman  who 
had  told  him  there  was  a  letter-box  at  the 
first  corner,  and  the  fire-alarm  looked 
like  it.  I  had  to  take  him  by  the  elbow, 


1^  A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

and  steer  him  across  the  street  to  the 
green  box  on  the  lamp  post.  He  didn't 
seem  to  like  the  way  it  opened  its  mouth 
at  the  top  like  a  dying  frog,  but  he  risked 
'  his  letter  in  it,  anyway." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  There,  Edward  !" 

Campbell :  "  Hello  !  Where  does  Rob 
erts  come  in  ?"  Mrs.  Roberts  maintains 
a  reproachful  silence,  and  Campbell  turns 
to  Roberts :  "  Look  here,  Roberts,  what 
have  you  been  doing  ?  It  wasn't  you  who 
gave  that  poor  young  Englishman  that 
letter  to  post  ?" 

Roberts,  trying  to  put  a  bold  face  upon 
it :  "  Nonsense  !  Certainly  I  did.  I  had 
given  him  a  letter  of  introduction  to 
Uncle  Philip — he  thinks  he  may  go  on 
to  New  York  to-night,  by  the  boat — and 
I  asked  him  to  post  the  letter  I  wrote 
to  advise  Uncle  Philip  of  his  coming. 
That's  all." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Of  course  it  was  all 
right.  But  it  seemed  a  little  odd  when 
Edward  first  told  me." 

Campbell :  "  Did  you  make  your  uncle 
the  usual  little  confidences  about  the  in- 
troducee,  in  your  letter  of  advice  ?" 


,  A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION  15 

Roberts  :  "  I  told  him  I  knew  he  would 
like  him  after  he  had  got  through  his 
insular  manner." 

Campbell :  "And  then  you  got  him  to 
post  the  letter !     Well,  it  was  something 
like  seething  the  kid  in  its  mother's  milk,  ' 
"Agnes."  » 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  What  a  disgusting 
idea!  Mr.  Roberts,  don't  mind  him!  He 
isn't  worth  it.  His  one  idea  is  to  tease." 

Roberts :  "  I  see  what  you  mean,  Camp 
bell.  But  of  course  he  couldn't  know 
what  was  in  it,  and  it  seemed  very  simple 
and  natural  to  get  him  to  drop  it  in  the 
box." 

Campbell :  "  It  was  simple,  and  it  was 
very  natural.  A  less  absent-minded  man's 
wife  might  have  told  him  it  wasn't  exact 
ly  delicate,  even  if  the  fellow  couldn't 
have  known  what  was  in  it." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "And  \\\you  it  would 
have  been  indelicate  ;  but  with  Mr.  Rob 
erts  it's  a  very  different  thing." 

Campbell :  "  Oh  yes  ;  I  know  !  Ab 
sent-mindedness.  Well,  Roberts,  you'll 
get  yourself  into  an  awful  mess  with  your 
absent-mindedness  some  day.  How  do 


:  16  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

you  know  he  didn't  know  what  was  in 
the  letter  to  your  uncle  ?" 

Roberts,  with  some  scorn  :  "  Why,  sim 
ply  because  I  sealed  it  before  I  gave  it  to 
him." 

Campbell :  "And  did  you  seal  the  let 
ter  of  introduction  ?" 

Roberts  :  "  Of  course  not !" 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  you  didn't !  Then 
how  do  you  know  that  you  didn't  seal 
up  the  letter  of  introduction,  and  give 
him  the  letter  of  advice  to  carry  with 
him  ?" 

Roberts :  "  Because  I  know  I  didn't." 

Campbell:  "Oh,  that's  no  reason!  Now< 
be  careful.  Would  you  swear  you  didn't  ? 
Suppose  you  were  on  the  witness  stand  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No,  don't  suppose  it, 
Mr.  Roberts.  Don't  suppose  anything 
of  the  kind." 

Campbell, without  regarding  her:  "This* 
sort  of  thing  is  done  every  day.  People 
are  always  getting  letters  mixed,  and 
shuffling  them  into  the  wrong  envelopes. 
Amy  did  something  of  the  kind  herself 
down  at  the  Shore,  last  summer  and 
nearly  broke  off  the  engagement  between 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  1J 

young  Welling  and  Miss  Green  way.  And 
if  she  hadn't  been  the  most  sensible  kind 
o*  a  girl,  Amy  would  have  done  it,  too. 
And  as  it  was,  I  had  to  do  some  of  the 
tallest  lying  this  side  of  the  Pacific  slope. 
Perfect  sequoias — made  our  place,  down 
there,  look  like  the  Yosemite  Park,  when 
those  fables  began  to  tower  up." 

Mrs.  Campbell,  faltering :  "  It's  true, 
Agnes.  I  told  you  about  it,  you  remem 
ber." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Yes,  I  know.  But  that 
doesn't  prove  that  Edward — 
'  Campbell:  "Oh,  doesn't  it!  If  Amy, 
who  has  her  few  wits  always  about  her, 
could  do  such  a  thing,  it  stands  to  reason 
that  Roberts,  whose  multitudinous  mind 
is  always  off  somewhere  else  when  it's 
wanted,  would  do  it  nine  times  out  of  ten. 
Think  how  absent-minded  he  is !  Re 
member  how  he  got  aboard  the  sleeping- 
car  that  night,  and  went  prying  round  in 
all  the  berths  to  find  you  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Don't  be  offensive, 
Willis  !" 

Campbell :  "  I'm  simply  veracious ! 
And  then  think  how  he  left  his  watch 


1 8  A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION 

> 

in  his  room,  and  thought  poor  old  Bemis 
was  a  garroter  that  had  taken '  it  from 
him,  and  ran  after  him  on  the  Common, 
and  grabbed  Bemis's  watch  from  him, 
and  nearly  killed  him.  And  then  his 
going  to  meet  a  cook  that  he'd  never 
seen  at  the  Albany  depot,  and  getting  into 
that  scrape  with  Mrs.  Mcllheny." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "That  was  my  fault, 
Willis.  I  sent  him  ;  and  I  ought  to  have 
remembered  that  he'd  never  seen  the 
cook." 

Campbell:  "Oh!  And  what  ought 
Roberts  to  have  remembered  ?  I  tell  you, 
he's  put  that  Englishman's  letter  of  in 
troduction  into  the  sealed  envelops,  and 
the  letter  of  advice  into  the  open  one, 
beyond  the  shadow  of  a  doubt." 

Roberts,  with  rising  alarm :  "  Oh, 
pshaw !  You  know  you  don't  think  so, 
Willis." 

Campbell:  "Think  so?  I  know  it! 
'Where  was  he  sitting  ?" 

Roberts  :  "  Where  you  are  now." 

Campbell :  "  In  this  chair  ?  When  you 
wrote  the  letters,  which  did  you  finish 
first?" 


A   LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION  IQ 

Roberts  :  "  The  letter  of  introduction, 
I  think." 

Campbell :  "  You  think  !    He  can't  even 
remember  that !    Well,  can  you  remem 
ber  which  you  gave  him  first  ?" 
'    Roberts :  "  No,  I   can't ;   but   it   must 
have  been  the  letter  of  introduc — 

Campbell :  "  Did  you  put  both  letters' 
injtheir  envelopes  before  you  gave  them 
to  him,  or  did  you  hand  him  first  one  and 
then  the  other  ?" 

Roberts  :  "I'm  sure  I  can't~say  !  But 
my  impression  is — 

Campbell,  waving  his  conjecture  scorn 
fully  aside :  "  Agnes,  you  see  how  thor 
oughly  mixed  up  he  is." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  and  you've  mix 
ed  him  up.  I  declare — " 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Yes,  Willis." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  very  well,  then  !  If 
I've  mixed  him  up,  I'll  let  him  unmix 
himself.  Then  he  can't  complain.  If 
he  didn't  blunder  with  the  letters,  I  sup 
pose  my  merely  asking  him  won't  create 
the  fact.  I  didn't  make  him  do  it." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  And  he  didn't  do  it." 

Campbell :  "  He  ought  to  know." 


20  A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  And  you  do  know,  \ 
don't  you,  Edward  ?" 

Roberts  i  "  Why,  of  course.  But  any- 
thing's  possible.  And  now  that  Willis 
has  suggested  it,  why,  I  can't  take  my 
oath — " 

Campbell,  to  the  ladies  : ."  You  see  !" 

Roberts  :  "  What  —  what  can  I  do, 
Willis?  The  mere  supposition  of  such  a 
thing — 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  /  don't  know.  Go 
after  the  Englishman,  I  suppose,  and  try 
to  run  him  down  before  he  reads  your 
letter  of  advice."  He  bursts  into  a  loud, 
unfeeling  laugh,  while  Roberts  begins  to 
walk  the  floor  in  agitation.  "  Can  you 
recall  any  of  the  expressions  you  used  ? 
Perhaps  they  weren't  so  bad." 

Roberts,  pausing  and  rubbing  his  fore 
head  :  "  I  think  I  can.  I  told  Uncle  Phil 
not  to  mind  his  insular  manner;  that  he 
was  necessarily  offensive  as  an  English 
man  ;  but  that  he  seemed  to  have  a  great 
many  good  qualities,  and  was  quite 
American  in  some  of  his  feelings  and 
ideas,  and  had  an  enthusiasm  for  us  wor 
thy  of  a  better  cause.  I  said  I  had  only 


A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION  21 

met  him  once,  but  I  had  no  doubt  he 
would  prove  worthy  of  any  kindness  that 
was  shown  him." 

Campbell :  "  Patronizing  and  insulting 
to  the  last  degree !  Well,  you've  done 
it,  Roberts  !" 

Roberts :  "  I  know — I  see !  But  I  didn't 
mean  to  be  offensive.  The  fact  is,  I  wrote 
very  hastily ;  I  wanted  to  get  rid  of 
him ;  my  mind  was  half  on  my  article, 
here — " 

Campbell:  "And  it  was  in  the  sarnie 
divided  condition  when  you  put  the  let 
ters  into  their  envelopes  !  What  could 
you  expect  ?" 

Roberts:  "  Look  here,  Willis!  Couldn't 
you — 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  no  !  This  isn't  a  thing 
that  /can  interfere  in.  If  it  were  a  case 
for  ground-and-lofty  lying,  you  might  call 
me  in ;  but  where  it's  principally  tact 
that's  needed,  I'd  better  leave  it  to  you, 
my  dear  fellow."  He  claps  Roberts  on 
the  shoulder,  and  breaks  down  in  anoth 
er  laugh. 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Now  look  here,  Wil 
lis  !  This  is  perfectly  outrageous.  You 


22  A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION 

haven't  the  slightest  proof  in  the  world 
that  Mr.  Roberts  has  mixed  the  letters, 
'and  it's  just  your  wicked  teasing  that 
makes  you  say  he  has.  If  you  have  any 
feeling  at  all,  you  will  stop.  /  think  it's 
gone  beyond  a  joke." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  And  I  dp,  too,  Amy. 
Of  course  I  think  .Edwarcfwas  wrong  to 
send  the  man  to  his  uncle  just  to  get  rid 
of  him ;  but  that's  no  reason  Willis  should 
torment  him  so." 

Roberts  :  "  No,  no  !  There's  only  too 
great  reason  to  suppose  he's  right.  Good 
heavens  !  What  shall  I  do  about  it  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  if  I  might  venture 
a  little  suggestion  without  being  de 
nounced  as  a  heartless  reprobate — " 

Roberts :  "  I  haven't  denounced  you, 
Willis  !" 

Campbell :  "  My  wife  and  sister  have 
in  your  interest,  and  just  when  I  had 
thought  how  to  help  you  out." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  how,  Willis  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Tell  it,  instantly, Wil 
lis  T 

Campbell :  ''You'd  better  look  him  up 
at  his  hotel,  and  pretend  you  thought  you 


A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION  23 

gave  the  wrong  address  on  the  letter  to 
your  uncle." 

Roberts  :  "  That's  all  very  well,  but  I 
don't  know  where  he's  stopping." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  that  does  rather  cut 
the  ground  from  under  us."  A  ring  at 
the  door  is  heard.  "  Ah-,  there  he  is  now, 
coming  back  to  have  it  out  with  Roberts. 
He's  read  that  letter  of  advice,  and  he 
wants  to  know  what  it  means.  We  must 
go,  Roberts.  I'm  sorry  to  leave  you  in 
this  fix,  but — " 


III 

BELLA;    THE   CAMPBELLS;    THE  ROB- 
ERTSES 

Bella,  the  maid,  coming  in  with  a  card 
for  Roberts  :  "  The  elevator  boy  brought 
it  up.  The  gentleman  is  waiting  below, 
sir." 

Roberts,  glancing  at  the  card  :  "  Mer 
ciful  powers  !  Willis  is  right !  It  is  the 
man  himself!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh,  Edward,  what  do 
you  suppose  he  wants?  But  don't  be 
alarmed,  dearest !  /  don't  agree  with 


24      '        A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

Willis  in  his  pessimistic  views.  I  know 
you  can  easily  explain  it." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  can  he  ?  Well,  I  think 
I'll  just  wait,  then,  and  hear  his  explana 
tion." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Willis  !  You  must 
advise  him  what  to  do.  You  must  in 
vent  some  plan." 

Campbell :  "  Thank  you  !  I  don't  deny 
that  I'm  pretty  ingenious,  and  all  that; 
but  what  you  want  here  is  the  invention 
of  a  Thomas  A.  Edison.  Nothing  short 
of  it  will  ever  get  Roberts  out  of  this 
scrape." 

Roberts,  trying  to  pluck  up  courage : 
"  But  I  deny  that  there  is  any  scrape. 
The  whole  affair  is  purely  hypothetical. 
There's  nothing  in  the  world  to  prove 
that  I've  mixed  up  the  letters,  and  I  deny 
that  I  did.  The  man  has  simply  come 
back  because  he's  forgotten  something,  or 
wishes  to  make  some  little  inquiry,  or — 

Campbell :  "  Then  why  don't  you  have 
him  up  at  once,  instead  of  letting  him 
cool  his  heels  down  there  in  your  front 
hall?  Have  him  up!  It's  uncivil  to  keep 
him  waiting." 


A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION  25 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  No,  no."  To  the  maid  : 
"Stop,  Bella!  No, Willis;  we  must  pro 
vide  for  contingencies.  I  think  Edward 
is  perfectly  right,  and  I  know  he  didn't 
mix  the  letters  up;  but  oughtn't  we.  to 
guard  against  any  chances,  Willis  ?" 

Campbell :  "  I  should  say  you  ought. 
And  you'd  better  ring  for  a  policeman  to 
do  it.  He's  an  awfully  athletic-looking 
fellow.  Those  Englishmen  often  are." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Then,  Bella,  you  must 
tell  the  boy  to  say  that  Mr.  Roberts  has 
just  gone  out ;  and  that  Mrs.  Roberts  is 
very  sorry — 

Roberts:  "No,  Agnes,  that  won't  do, 
my  dear.  I  can't  allow  that.  If  I've 
done  this  thing,  I  must  face  the  conse 
quences." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Yes,  that's  what  I  say. 
We  must  provide  for  contingencies." 

Campbell :  "  He  may  want  to  fight  you, 
Roberts/like  Mcllheny,  you  know,  when 
you  asked  his  wife  whether  she  was  a 
cook." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Everything  depends 
upon  what  kind  of  humor  he's  in,  of 
course," 


26  A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Of  course.  If  he's 
very — boisterous,  you  mustn't  have  any 
thing  flo  say  to  him  ;  but  if  he's  pleasant, 
or  if  he's  merely  cold,  or  hurt,  in  his 
manner,  why,  I  suppose  you  must  ask  him 
to  lunch.  And  Willis  and  Amy  can  stay, 
and  help  make  it  go  off." 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  thank  you,  Agnes  ! 
The  Roberts  family  seems  to  have  a  gift 
for  patronizing  offensiveness ;  I  don't 
mind  it  myself,  but  if  I  was  an  English 
man  that  Roberts  had  told  to  his  face 
that  he  was  nationally  detestable — 

Roberts  :  "  Told  to  his  face  ?" 

Campbell:  "It's  the  same  thing  —  it 
would  take  a  good  deal  more  than  lunch 
to  pacify  me.  I  should  want  dinner,  and 
not  merely  a  family  dinner,  a  snap-shot, 
accidental  thing,  but  a  regular  formal  af 
fair,  with  the  best  people  asked,  and  the 
chance  of  other  invitations.  The  least 
you  can  do,  Roberts,  is  to  send  for  this 
Englishman's  baggage,  and  make  him 
stay  a  fortnight  with  you." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  I  had  thought  of  that, 
Willis." 

Campbell :  "  You  said — lunch" 


A  LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  27 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  But  our  flat  is  so 
small,  and  the  children  are  in  the  guest- 
chamber —  " 

Campbell :  "And  in  the  mean  time,  the 
Englishman  is  waiting  below  in  the  se 
lect  society  of  the  janitor." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Oh,  my  goodness,  I 
forgot  all  about  him  !" 

Roberts:  "Yes.  We  must  have  him 
up  at  once,  and  then  act  accordingly." 

Campbell :  "Oh  yes  ;  you  mustn't  give 
yourself  away.  If  you  don't  happen  to 
have  mixed  the  letters  up,  you  don't  want 
to  begin  apologizing.  You  will  have  to 
judge  from  his  manner." 

Roberts :  "  But  he  was  so  extremely 
flattering,  so  very  enthusiastic  about  us, 
I'm  afraid  we  can't  tell  from  his  man 
ner." 

Campbell:  "You  must  draw  him  out, 
specifically.  Did  you  ask  him  how  he 
liked  America?" 

Roberts :  "  No ;  I  was  ashamed  to  ask 
him  when  he  told  me  he  had  just  arrived 
this  morning." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  then,  Amy  can  ask 
him.  She  isn't  ashamed  to  ask  anything. 


28  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

And  if  he  begins  to  abuse  us,  up  hill  and 
down  d^le — 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  He  had  better  not 
abuse  us  !  I  shouldn't  allow  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh  yes,  Amy;  bear 
anything!  We  must  try  to  pacify  him 
somehow." 

Campbell :  "  And  Roberts  had  better 
go  out,  and  meet  him  in  that  anteroom 
of  yours — it's  as  dark  as  a  pocket — and 
make  him  take  off  his  overcoat  —  he 
mustn't  allow  any  refusal  —  and  then 
kind  of  linger  behind  him  a  moment  af 
ter  you've  received  him  at  the  door  here, 
and  search  his  overcoat  pockets.  Very 
probably  he's  put  the  letter  into  one  of 
them." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Do  you  think  that 
would  be  very  nice, Willis?" 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  don't  know:  about 
as  nice  as  having  Amy  truckle  to  his 
abuse  of  the  country." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  It  isn't  at  all  the 
same  thing." 

Campbell :  "  It's  exactly  the  same 
thing."  A  ring  at  the  door  summons 
Bella  away.  "  He's  getting  impatient. 


A  LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  2Q 

Well,  I  shouldn't  like  to  be  kept  waiting 
so  long  myself." 

Bella,  returning :  "It's  the  gentleman 
below,  ^na'am.  The  boy  says  he'd  Hire 
to  know  if  you  got  his  card." 

Campbell :  "  I  thought  so.  You  must 
let  him  come  up,  or  you  must  send  word 
that  you're  not  at  home.  You  can't  pro 
long  the  suspense  indefinitely." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No,  Agnes,  you  can't, 
really!" 

Roberts  :  "  We  must  decide,  my  dear  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts, desperately:  "Well, then, 
tell  the  janitor  to  send  him  up,  Bella !" 
As  Bella  goes :  "  And  we  haven't  thought 
at  all  how  we  shall  act !" 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  know  one  thing: 
if  Roberts  lets  his  knees  knock  together, 
so  as  to  be  heard,  I  won't  stand  it.  I'll 
leave  the  house.  It'll  be  too  disgraceful. 
Courage,  Roberts !  I  wouldn't  miss  seeing 
howr  you'll  carry  this  thing  off  for  any 
money !  I  know  you're  a  perfect  moral 
hero  on  all  ordinary  occasions,  but  in  a 
predicament  like  this  I  don't  envy  you. 
And  the  worst  of  it  is,  that  if  the  fellow's 
a  gentleman — and  he  looked  like  one,  in 


3O  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

the  English  way — you  won't  be  able  to 
judge  from  his  acts  how  he  feels  !  You'll 
have  to  grope  your  way  in  the  dark,  and — 
There  he  is  !"  A  ring  is  heard.  "  Now 
let's  all  look  unconcerned,  as  if  we  were 
not  expecting  any  one.  Amy,  you  be 
turning  over  those  photographic  views 
of  the  White  Mountains,  in  your  pretty, 
careless  way.  Agnes,  you  be  examining 
some  object  with  the  microscope.  Here, 
Roberts,  you  sit  down  to  your  writing 
again.  And  I'll  be  tuning  up  the  family 
phonograph.  That'll  give  him  an  idea 
of  a  cultivated  Boston  family,  at  home 
with  itself,  and  at  peace  with  the  whole 
human  family.  And  we  must  all  be  ex 
tremely  deferential  and — complimentary 
— so's  to  take  the  bad  taste  of  Roberts's 
letter  out  of  his  mouth."  Campbell  de 
livers  these  instructions  in  a  rapid  whis 
per.  As  Bella  opens  the  door  to  admit 
the  stranger  to  the  anteroom,  he  contin 
ues  in  a  loud,  didactic  voice :  "  As  you 
very  justly  observed,  in  our  present  un 
certainty  as  to  whether  the  peculiar  par 
allel  markings  of  the  planet  Mars  are 
marine  canals,  or  merely  magic-lantern 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  33 

displays  of  the  Martians  to  attract  the 
attention  of  the  telescope  man  on  Bos 
ton  Common — " 

Bella,  announcing  the  Englishman  at 
the  library  door :  "  Mr.  Westgate." 


IV 

MR.  WESTGATE i  THE  CAMPBELLS;  THE 
ROBERTSES 

Westgate,  to  Roberts :  "  Ah,  I  beg  your 
pardon  !  It's  really  very  ridiculous,  and 
I'm  quite  ashamed  to  trouble  you  again, 
Mr.  Roberts.  Your  letter — 

Roberts,  coming  eagerly  forward :  "  Oh, 
I'm  so  glad  to  see  you  again,  Mr.  West- 
gate.  You're  just  in  time  for  lunch  ;  and 
I  hope  you  can  sit  down  with  us.  Mrs. 
Roberts,  Mr.  Westgate.  My  wife  hadn't 
the  pleasure  of — ah — meeting  you  before, 
I  think.  Let  me  take  your  overcoat. 
You'll  find  it  very  hot  in  our  American 
houses,  I'm  afraid." 

Westgate  :  "  Oh,  not  at  all !  I'm  sure  I 
shall  like  it.  I  should  so  like  to  see  one 
of  your  furnaces  !  But  I  only  came  back 


34  A    LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

a  moment  to  show  you  a  little  mistake — 
if  it  is  a  mistake — 

Mrs.  Roberts,  eagerly:  "I'm  so  sorry 
we've  only  steam  heat,  and  can't  show 
you  a  furnace;  but  you'll  find  it  quij:e 
hot  r  and  you  must  take  off  your  coat." 

Westgate  :  "  Why,  you're  very  good, 
I'm  sure.  But  only  for  a  moment." 

Roberts:  "Allow  me!"  He  possesses 
himself  of  Westgate's  hat  and  coat, 'and 
rushes  out  into  the  anteroom  with  them. 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Let  me  introduce  you 
to  my  sister,  Mrs.  Campbell ;  and  my 
brother,  Mr.  Campbell,  Mr.  Westgate." 
Westgate  bows  to  the  lady,  and  then 
shakes  hands  with  Campbell. 

Westgate  :  "Ah  !  how  do  you  do?  I'd 
no  idea — I'm  very  glad  to  meet  you,  I'm 
sure.  I  don't  know  what  I  should  have 
done  with  the  letter  Mr.  Roberts  intrust 
ed  to  me — " 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  that  was  nothing.  I 
saw  that  you  were  on  the  point  of  doing 
something  desperate,  and  I  just  stepped 
in.  There's  nothing  I  like  better  than 
saving  human  life;  and  as  I've  often 
tried  to  post  my  wife's  letters  in  the  fire- 


A    LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION  35 

alarm  box,  at  two  o'clock  in  the  morn 
ing,  and  never  succeeded,  yet,  I  had  a 
fellow-feeling  for  you." 

Westgate :  "  H'm  !  Yes  !  You  see  your 
post-boxes  are  so  very  different  to  ours — " 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  your  London 
post-boxes  are  simply  delightful !  They're 
just  like  posts— fat  ones;  and  they  take 
in  whole  packages.  But — I  hope  you 
like  America,  Mr.  Westgate  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Yes,  we  are  always  so 
glacl  when'your  countrymen — 
„  Campbell :  "  We  aim  to  please." 

Westgate:  "Well,  I  can't  say  I  like 
your  post-boxes  exactly." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Oh,  neither  do  we !" 

Westgate:  "And  I'd  always  heard  you 
had  clear  winter  weather.  I've  never 
seen  it  more  overcast  at  home." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  That  is  true.  It's  go 
ing  to  snow,  I  think,  I'm  afraid  you 
won't  like  our  snow  !" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  perhaps,  we  might 
have  .some  with  the  chill  off." 

Westgate,  regarding  him  fixedly  for  a 
moment:  "Ow!  Ah!  I  see  !  Very  good! 
Ah,  ha,  ha,  ha  !  Ha,  ha,  ha !  And— ha, 


36  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

ha,  ha  !  Ah,  ha,  ha  ! — you  meant,  coming 
home  from  the  club !  I  hadn't  under 
stood  your  American  humor,  at  first.  I 
fancy  there's  no  hope  of  any  good  Samar 
itan  to  show  you  to  the  post-box  at  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning  hour !  Ah,  ha, 
ha!" 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "I've  been  scolding  my 
husband  for  troubling  you  with  that  let 
ter,  Mr.  Westgate !" 

Westgate  :  "  No,  really  ?  But  I  always 
heard  the  American  ladies  were  so  ami 
able,  you  know." 

Mrs. Campbell:  "Oh,  we  are,  Mr. West- 
gate  !  But  we  have  to  maintain  discipl  ine 
in  the  family,  you  know." 

Westgate  :  "  Of  course.  But " —  to 
Campbell — "what  did  you  mean  exactly, 
by  having  snow  with  the  chill  off  ?  Such 
a  delightful  expression." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  don't  know.  Some 
sort  of  joke,  I  suppose." 

Westgate  :  "  I  was  sure  you  did  !  Ah, 
ha,  ha !  Your  countrymen  are  so  delight 
fully  humorous  —  so  funny,  you  know. 
You  know  we  think  you're  such  fun." 

Campbell :  "  Do  you  think  so  ?    I  don't 


A   LETTER  OF   INTRODUCTION  3Q 

think  we're  half  so  funny  as  English 
men." 

Mrs.  Campbell:  "We  think  you're 
twice  as  funny  as  we  are,  Mr.  Westgate." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow,  but  really,  now  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  don't  know  how 
we  should  have  done  without  your  Mr. 
Gilbert." 

Westgate :  "  But  isn't  he  rather  exag 
gerated  ?  I  much  prefer  your  Joshua 
Billings.  And  your  after-dinner  speak 
ers  !  Mr.  Depew,  for  instance  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  But  the  Prince  of 
Wales,  you  know." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow  !  Do  you  regard  him 
as  a  humorist  ?  He  says  some  neat  things, 
occasionally.  But  your  California  hu 
mor,  now :  we've  nothing  like  that,  you 
know  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "I'm  afraid  you  will 
make  my  husband  intolerably  conceit 
ed." 

Westgate  :  "  Really  ?  Is  Mr.  —  ah  — 
Campbell  a  Californian  ?  How  very  de 
lightful  !  And  is  that  peculiar  dialect 
used  by  your  California  writers  spoken 
in  the  cities  ?  I  should  so  much  like  to 


40  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

hear  it.  I  don't  thinlrwe  ever  quite  get 
the  right  accent  in  reading  it." 

Campbell :  "You'd  hear  it  everywhere 
in  California.  I'm  a  little  out  of  prac 
tice  now,  myself ;  I  speak  Bostonese,  at 
present ;  but  I  recollect  very  well  how 
the  ladies  in  San  Francisco  used  to  say, 
'  Well,  I  got  the  dead  wood  onto  you, 
that  time,'  and  '  How're  you  makin'  it, 
pard?'  and  'You  bet,'  and  '  You  git!' 
You  mean  that  sort  of  thing?" 

Westgate :  "  Exactly.  How  delightful ! 
So  very  picturesque,  you  know.  So  im 
aginative  !" 

Campbell:  "Yes,  I  suppose  there's 
more  imagination  to  the  acre  in  Califor 
nia  than  you'll  find  anywhere  else  in  the 
United  States." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  And  more  modesty, 
Mr.  Westgate ;  more  unconscious  mer 
it." 

Campbell:  "Well,  I  shouldn't  like  to 
boast  before  a  foreigner.  There's  Chi 
cago.  And  for  a  real,  unadulterated  dif 
fidence,  a  shrinking,  deprecatory  little 
misgiving  as  to  the  existence  of  the  out 
side  universe,  I  think  Mr.  Westgate  will 


A  LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  41 

v  j» 

find  that  Boston  takes  the  cake.  In  Cal 
ifornia  people  don't  know  they're  rnodest, 
but  in  Boston  they  do.  That's  the  dif 
ference." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  I  hope  Mr.  Westgate 
will  stay  with  us  long  enough  to  find  out 
that  everything  you  say  is  a  wicked  slan 
der,  Willis.  Why  must  you  rush  off  to 
New  York  at  once,  Mr.  Westgate  ?" 

Westgate:  "You're  very  good,  I'm 
sure.  But  I'm  afraid —  Ha,  ha,  ha ! 
Ha,  ha,  ha!"  To  Campbell :  "  That  was 
a  very  amusing  expression  of  yours! 
Imagination  to  the  acre !  As  if  it  were 
some  kind  of  crop!  Very  good!  Capital! 
Ah,  ha,  ha !  And  would  you,a  be  kind 
enough  to  explain  that  expression,  'take 
the  cake?"' 

Campbell:  "Oh,  it  comes  from  the 
cake  walk,  you  know." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow  !" 

Campbell :  "  Yes.  Where  the  darkies 
try  to  see  which  can  put  on  the  most 
style  in  a  kind  of  walk-round,  and  there's 
a  cake  up  for  a  prize,  and  the  greatest 
swell  takes  it." 

Westgate  :  "  How  very  amusing !" 


42  A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION 

Campbell  •  "  Amusing?  It's  more  fun 
than  a  goat !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Willis  !" 

Westgate:  ''Oh,  but  really!  Dont 
stop  him  !  It's  quite  what  I  came  to 
America  for — those  delightful  expres 
sions!  I  don't  know  why  you're  all  so 
shy  of  using  them  when  you  come  over ! 
We  get  them  in  print,  but  we  seldom 
hear  them." 

Campbell '  "You  should  go  to  a  ladies' 
lunch  here!  You  wouldn't  hear  any 
thing  else." 

Westgate  :  "Ow  !  And  just  what  is  a 
ladies'  lunch?" 

Campbell :  "  It's  the  social  entertain 
ment  of  the  future.  The  race  is  running 
to  girls  so,  in  Massachusetts,  that  they've 
got  to  having  these  lunches  without  ask 
ing  men,  so  as  to  see  how  it  will  feel  when 
there  are  no  men  to  ask,  Often  it's  mere 
ly  a  hen  feed,  where  they  would  like  to 
have  men  if  they  could  get  them ;  just 
as  a  stag  dinner  is  a  good  time  that  wom 
en  would  like  to  come  to  if  they  could. 
Sometimes  it's  a  virtue,  sometimes  it's  a 
necessity.  But  it's  always  a  joke." 


A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION  43 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "You  mustn't  believe 
him,  Mr.  Westgate.  He's  never  been  at 
a  ladies'  lunch,  and  he  doesn't  know  how 
charming  they  are." 

Westgate  :  "  Yes,  I  understand  gentle 
men  are  not  asked.  But  —  ah,  ha,  ha! 
Ha,  ha,  ha ! — that  was'a  very  droll  expres 
sion  of  Mr.  Campbell's  about  a  goat. 
More — more  amusing  than  a  goat,  I  think 
it  was.  Will  you  ladies  kindly  tell  me 
why  a  goat  should  be  considered  so  very 
amusing?  You  see  I'm  beginning  to  be 
afraid  I  can't  trust  Mr.  Campbell." 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  I'm  afraid  you  must, 
in  this  case.  I'm  sure  we  don't  know  why 
a  goat  should  be  more  entertaining  than 
any  other  animal." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow  !  Then  you're  not  all 
humorists,  over  here  ?  We  get  that  idea, 
you  know.  We  think  you're  suchjo&ers. 
But  really,  you  know,  I  think  that  some 
people  who  do  that  kind  of  thing,  you 
know,  and  have  Americans  a  great  deal, 
don't  see  the  point  of  their  jokes  at  all 
times  ;  or  not  at  once.  Your  humor  is  so 
different  to  ours,  you  know.  I've  often 
had  the  meaning  of  an  American  joke 


44  A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION 

occur  to  me  some  time  after,  you  know, 
'when  I've  'had  leisure  to  think  it  out. 
Still,  it  is  very  amusing." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  But  we  think  the 
English  humor  so  refined  —  so-  high 
bred." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "Oh  yes!  Your  jokes 
bear  the  stamp  of  such  an  old  civiliza 
tion,  my  husband  says." 

Campbell :  "  So  polished  with  Use." 

Westgate  :  "  Ah,  well !  I  don't  know 
about  that,  you  know.  There  may  be 
something  in  it.  But  I'm  inclined  to 
think —  Ah,  ha,  ha,  ha  !  Very  good  !  Ex 
cellent  !  I  didn't  catch  your  meaning,  at 
first.  Used  so  often.!  I  see  !  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 
You  ought  to  come  over  to  us,  Mr.  Camp 
bell.  We've  a  great  many  charming 
Americans ;  but  most  of  them  are  quite 
like  ourselves." 

Campbell :  "  Is  it  so  bad  as  that  ?" 

Westgate  :  "  Yes  ;  it's  really  quite  vex 
ing,  you  know.  So  very  tiresome." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  I  hope  Mr.  Westgate 
will  stay  with  us  long  enough  to  see  that 
we've  something  besides  humor — in  Bos 
ton,  at  least.  You  must  let  us  send  to 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  4.7 

the  hotel  for  your  trunk — boxes,  I  should 
say." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow  no  !  Ow  no  !  I  much 
prefer  trunk!' 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  And  we  prefer  boxes" 

Westgate  :  "  N(5,  really  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  You  must  be  our  guest 
long  enough  at  least  to  see  something 
of  Boston.  Mr.  Roberts  will  take  you 
to  the  Art  Club  Exhibition." 

Westgate  :  "  You're  really  very  good1 
But  I'd  really  no  idea —  I  only  came  back 
a  moment  on  atcount  of  a  little  mistake 
I  think  Mr.  Roberts  made  in  the  let — 

Mrs.  Roberts,  hastily :  "  We  think  Bos 
ton  is  quite  an  art  centre,  now.  Amy,  I 
want  Mr.  Westgate  to  see  the  little  Monet 
in  the  p —  drawing-room." 

Westgate  :  "  Oh,  do  say  parlor !  I  think 
it's  so  much  nicer.  And  without  the  u, 
please. " 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  I  see  you're  deter 
mined  to  be  pleased  with  everything 
American,  Mr.  Westgate,  and  I'm  sure 
you'll  like  this  Monet." 

Westgate :  "  But  I  beg  your  pardon  ! 
Isn't  he  French  ?" 


48  A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION 

Campbell :  "  All  the  American  pictures 
we  buy  are  by  Frenchmen." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  But  we  much  prefer 
English  pictures,  Mr.  Westgate.  You 
have  so  much  more  technique  than  the 
French,  so  much  more  school.  I  adore 
Tadema,  myself." 

Westgate:  "But — yes — ah  —  I  think 
he's  Dutch,  though  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Well,  as  Mr.  Camp 
bell  was  saying,  our  paintings  are  all  by 
Frenchmen  —  all  that  we  buy.  If  you 
will  come  with  me,  Mr.  Westgate — " 


V 

MRS.  ROBERTS;   CAMPBELL 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  What  in  the  world  has 
happened  to  Edward  ?" 

Campbell :  "  He  can't  have  been  search 
ing  the  man's  coat-pockets  all  this  time. 
Perhaps  he's  cut  open  the  lining.  Or 
he's  found  the  wrong  letter,  and  has  gone 
off  and  hid  somewhere."  Roberts  shows 
himself  at  the  door.  "  No ;  there  he  is 
now.  I  didn't  know  but  he'd  committed 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  49 

suicide.  Well,  Roberts !  Come  in,  old 
fellow  !  The  coast  is  clear,  for  the  mo 
ment  !"  Roberts  advances  spectrally  into 
the  room.  "  What's  the  matter  ?" 


VI 

ROBERTS;  MRS.  ROBERTS ;   CAMPBELL 

They  all  speak  throughout  the  scene  in  hoarse 
whispers,  and  from  time  to  time  the  voices 
of  Mrs.  Campbell  and  Mr.  Westgate  pene 
trate  to  them  from  the  drawing-room. 

Roberts  :  "  Is  he  gone  ?" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  'Sh  !  No.  He's  in  the 
parlor,  with  Amy.  She's  showing  him 
the  pictures.  He  couldn't  go  without 
his  hat  and  overcoat,  you  know." 

Roberts :  "  Yes.  I  didn't  think  of 
that." 

Campbell  :  "  'Sh  !  Have  you  been 
through  his  clothes  ?  'Sh  !" 

Roberts :  "  No ;  I  hadn't  the  cour 
age." 

Campbell :  "  'Sh  !  Then  where  have 
you  been  ?  'Sh  !" 

6 


50  A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

Roberts :  "  Sitting  out  there  in  the 
anteroom." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  poor  Edward  ! 
'Sh !  Did  you  listen  ?  He  still  seems 
very  amiable.  'Sh  !  I  don't  think  he's 
angry  about  anything.  I  don't  believe 
you've  made  any  serious  mistake." 

Campbell:  "Unless  he's  — 'sh  !— dis 
sembling.  They're  awfully  double-faced 
fellows,  Englishmen  are.  'Sh !  I  think 
he's  dissembling.  'Sh  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  'Sh  !  Nonsense,  Wil 
lis  !  He  says  you  made  some  mistake 
with  the  letter ;  but — 

Campbell :  "  'Sh !  Of  course  you  mixed 
them  !  He's  just  lying  low.  You'd  bet 
ter  keep  out  of  his  way,  Roberts.  'Sh  !" 

Westgate,  without :  "  Then  I  suppose 
you've  quite  a  large  school  of  resident 
artists  in  Boston  ?" 

Mrs.  Campbell,  without :  "  Well,  no. 
But  we've  a  very  large  school  of  non- 
resident  Boston  artists.  Our  painters  all 
have  to  go  to  New  York  to  get  a  living." 

Westgate,  without :  "  Ow  !  Then  I  sup 
pose  New  York  is  the  artistic  centre  of 
your  country  ?" 


A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION  51 

Mrs.  Campbell,  without :  "  Not  at  all. 
We  have  the  critics  here." 

Westgate,  without :  "  Then  you  con 
sider  criticism  more  essential  than  paint 
ing  in  an  artistic  centre  ?" 

Campbell:  "  'Sh  !  He's  getting  sar 
castic.  He's  tuning  up  for  you,  Roberts. 
He's  tearing  off  the  mask  of  amiability. 
Better  get  out  into  the  anteroom  again, 
Roberts.  Agnes  can  say  you  were  too 
sick  to  ~^me  to  lunch,  and  we  can  carry 
it  off  somehow.  Oh,  but — hello  !  She's 
asked  him  to  let  her  send  for  his  boxes — 
such  a  delightful  expression  ! — and  come 
and  stay  with  you.  I  think  you'd  better 
be  suddenly  called  out  of  town.  There's 
no  other  way  for  it !" 

Roberts,  with  a  tremendous  effort  of 
moral  heroism:  "No;  I  must  stay  and 
face  it  out.  It  would  be  cowardly  to 
shirk  it." 

Mrs.  Roberts:  "Oh,  Edward, what  cour 
age  you  do  have  !  But  what  will  you  say 
to  him  ?  Willis,  cant  you  think  of  some 
thing  for  Edward  to  say?  You  know 
he's  never  good  on  the  spur  of  the  mo 
ment,  and  you  are.  'Sh  !" 


52  A   LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION 

Campbell :  "  'Sh  !  Don't  say  anything 
at  all,  till  he  opens  up.  But  keep  treat 
ing  him  beautifully,  and  then  he'll  see 
that  Roberts  couldn't  have  meant  any 
thing  by  those  insulting  and  patronizing 
expressions.  He'll  think  it's  just  our 
Yankee  awkwardness  and  vulgarity." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  willingly  accepting  the 
suggestion  :  "  Yes,  just  our  Yankee  awk 
wardness  and  vulgarity.  I  know  he'll 
excuse  it,  Edward.  You  mustn't  be 
alarmed.  Remember  how  much  real 
courage  you  always  have  !" 

Roberts  :  "  I  can't  let  him  excuse  it  on 
that  ground.  No;  I  must  grapple  with 
it  frankly." 

Campbell :  "  All  right !  Only  let  him 
grapple  first.  Don't  give  yourself  away." 

MKS.  Roberts  :  "  'Sh  !  They're  coming 
back.  'Sh  !" 

Campbell :  "  'Sh  !  Now,  Roberts,  brace 
up.  'Sh  !  Be  a  man  !  B»  an  American  \ 
And  deny,  everything !" 


A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION  53 


VII 

THE  ROBERTSES;   CAMPBELL;  MRS. 
CAMPBELL  with  WESTGATE 

Westgate  :  "  Your  Monet  is  beautiful, 
Mrs.  Roberts.  You  know,  I  think  you 
Americans  are  so  much  more  open-mind 
ed  than  we  are,  and  you  take  up  with 
the  new  things  so  much  sooner.  I  don't 
think  the  impressionists  are  to  the  fore 
with  us  yet." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  but  I  can't  allow 
you  to  say  anything  against  England, 
Mr.  Westgate !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  No,  indeed  ; .  you 
would  find  no  sympathizers  in  that,  Mr. 
Westgate." 

Campbell :  "  We  gamble  on  the  moth 
er-country  every  time,  here  in  Boston,  at 
least,  and  in  New  York  you'll  feel  as  if 
you'd  just  got  back  to  London." 

Westgate  :  "  Well,  you  know,  I  should 


£4  A    LETTER    OF   INTRODUCTION 

be  rather  sorry  to  do  that.  I  came  over 
to  see  Americans." 

Campbell :  "  Well,  you're  barking  up 
the  wrong  tree." 

Westgate  :  "  Barking  up —  What  a 
delightful  expression  !  Would  you  mind 
saying —  Ah,  ha,  ha  !  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  Very 
good  !  I  see !  You  mean  in  stripping 
the  bark  off  for  the  bfrch  canoes,  I  sup 
pose.  These  figurative  phrases  are  so 
vigorous.  And  you  have  so  many  of 
them.  I've  heard  Americans  use  some 
of  them  at  home.  Do  you  suppose  that 
expression  originated  with  your  Indians, 
perhaps?" 

Campbell:  "No;  they  originated  the 
expression,  Good  Indians,  dead  Indians. 
But  if  you  have  a  fancy  for  these  expres 
sions,  Roberts,  here,  can  fill  you  up  with 
a  lot  of  them." 

Roberts  :  "  Yes — that  is — I  do  hope 
you  can  spend  a  few  days  with  us  before 
you  push  on  to  New  York." 

Westgate :  "  Why,  you're  very  good, 
I'm  sure.  But  that  reminds  me  of  the 
letter  of  introduc — 

Campbell :   "  You   stay   on    here,  and 


A   LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  55 

Roberts  will  paint  the  town  red  for 
you." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  You  must  allow  us  to 
send  for  your  boxes." 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Your  luggage — yes." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow,  but  I'd  so  much  rath 
er  you'd  say  baggage !  I've  had  it  sent 
to  the  railway — 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Station  ?  That  doesn't 
the  least  matter." 

Westgate:  "  Ow,  but  it  does!  I'd  so 
much  rather  say  deepo,  as  you  do." 

Roberts  :  "  We  can  get  it  perfectly  well, 
if  you'll  give  us  your  transfer — 

Campbell :  "  Don't  say  checks,  Roberts ! 
There  must  be  some  English  word  !" 

Westgate  :  "  No,  really  ;  I  must  go  on 
to  New  York.  My  plans  are  all  made. 
But  on  my  return  from  the  West  I  shall 
be  most  happy  to  remember  your  kind 
ness.  I've  only  ventured  to  trouble  Mr. 
Roberts  in  regard  to  the  mistake  he 
seems  to  have  made  with — 

Roberts :  "  I  beg  you  won't  suppose — 

Mrs.  Roberts,  at  the  same  time  :  "You 
mustn't  regard  it,  indeed,  Mr.  West- 
gate  !" 


56  A    LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

Mrs.  Campbell,  at  the  same  time:  "Mr. 
Roberts  is  so  absent-minded  !" 

Campbell,  at  the  game  time  :  "  Roberts 
is  all  absence  of  mind  !" 

Westgate  :  "  Ha,  ha,  ha !  But  you 
know —  Ah,  ha,  ha,  ha!  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  I 
see !  Capital !  Oh,  excellent.  English 
word  for  checks !  Excellent.  '  Ah — 
would  you  be  good  enough  to  say  just 
what  you  mean  by  painting  a  place  red  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Roberts  will  show  you,  if 
you'll  only  stay!" 

Westgate  :  "  It's  quite  impossible,  now, 
at  all  events."  To  Roberts :  "  But  the  let 
ter  you  kindly  gave  me  to  your  uncle — 

Roberts  :  "  Yes — yes — 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  You'll  like  Uncle  Phil 
ip  so  much !  And  he'll  appreciate  the 
favor  Edward's  done  him  in  sending — " 

Mrs.  Campbell,  at  the  same  time:  "He's 
so  fond  of  the  English  !" 

Campbell,  at  the  same  time  :  "And  he's 
right  on  to  Roberts's  jokes.  They're  al 
ways  at  it  together.  Back  and  forth,  all 
the  time.  If  Roberts  has  put  up  any 
little  job,  Uncle  Phil  will  catch  on  like 
lightning." 


A   LETTER  OF   INTRODUCTION  57 

Westgate  :  "  Oh,  what  extremely  de 
lightful  expressions!  I'm  sure  I  sha'n't 
remember  the  half  of  them !  But  this 
letter — do  you  really  think —  '  He  takes 
it  from  his  pocket. 

Roberts:  "  Yes — yes.  I'm  quite  cer 
tain  he'll — 

Mrs.  Roberts,  at  the  same  time :  "  Oh 
yes,  indeed !  My  husband  was  with  him 
so  much  at  one  time!  They're  almost 
of  the  same  age." 

Westgate  :  "  Oh,  indeed  !  I  fancied  an 
old  gentleman !  Then  you  think  that 
he'll  understand — 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Uncle  Philip  under 
stands  Mr.  Roberts  and  all  his  ways  per 
fectly.  They  have  such  fun  when  they're 
together." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  at  the  same  time :  "  It 
doesn't  matter  what  Edward  has  written, 
he'll  take  it  just  in  the  right  way." 

Campbell,  at  the  same  time :  "  Yes, 
he'll  know  it's  some  kind  of  a  joke." 

Westgate  :  "  Well,  you  know,  I  thought 
perhaps,  myself,  it  was  one  of  your  pieces 
of  American  humor." 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Oh,  it  was,  Mr.  West- 

7 


58  A   LETTER   OF    INTRODUCTION 

gate,  I  assure  you  it  was !  Just  one  of 
our  pieces  of  American  humor — " 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Yes,  indeed  ;  you  can 
depend  upon  that,  Mr.  Westgate  !" 

Westgate  :  "  Ah  well !  If  it  had  been 
Mr.  Campbell,  here,  I  should  have  felt 
sure  of  it.  But  I  couldn't  be  quite  so 
certain  that  Mr.  Roberts — 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  when  it  comes  to  jok 
ing,  Americans  are  all  alike.  Roberts  is 
a  little  more  alike  than  the  rest  of  us ; 
that's  all.  So's  Uncle  Philip,  for  that 
matter.  He'd  take  it  right  even  if  Rob 
erts  hadn't  written  anything  at  all." 

Westgate :  "  But  that's  just  what  Mr. 
Roberts  has  done !" 

All  the  others  :  "  What !" 

Westgate,  handing  the  envelope  to 
Roberts,  who  finds  it  empty,  and  passes 
it  to  his  wife,  who  in  turn  hands  it  silent 
ly  to  Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Of  course  I  wished 
to  read  the  kind  things  you'd  said  of  me, 
as  soon  as  possible,  and  I  was  greatly 
surprised  to  find  no  letter  in  this  en 
velope.  I  wasn't  sure  whether  you  in 
tended  me  simply  to  present  the  enve 
lope  to  your  uncle,  or  whether —  At  all 


A    LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION  59 

events,  I  decided  I'd  better  come  and 
ask." 

Campbell,  who  has  possessed  himself 
of  the  envelope  :  "  Why,  look  here,  Rob 
erts  !  You  put  both  letters  in  that  sealed 
envelope  I  kept  Mr.  Westgate  from  post 
ing  in  the  fire-alarm  box." 

Roberts  :  "  Why,  so  I  must !  Really, 
Mr.  Westgate,  I  don't  know  what  to 
say!" 

Mrs.  Roberts  :  "  Yes,  Edward,  I  don't 
know  what  you  will  say  !" 

Campbell :  "  Roberts,  you're  incorrigi 
ble  !  When  will  you  give  up  this  habit 
of  practical  joking?  Really,  old  fellow, 
you  ought  to  stop  it.  You  and  Uncle 
Phil  have  kept  it  up  long  enough.  And 
/think  you  owe  Mr.  Westgate  an  apolo 
gy.  The  joke's  on  Uncle  Phil,  of  course ; 
but  you  ought  to  see  that  it's  rather  em 
barrassing  to  Mr.  Westgate  to  find  him 
self  the  bearer  of  an  empty  envelope  in 
stead  of  a  letter  of  introduction.  Come, 
now,  you  must  explain ;  and  we'll  all 
apologize  for  you."  Roberts  waits  with 
a  foolish  face  of  deprecation,  turning  to 
horror,  at  the  suggestion  of  an  explana- 


60  A   LETTER    OF    INTRODUCTION 

tion.     "  Come  !     You  owe  it  to  yourself, 
as  a  joker." 

Westgate,  amiably :  "  Ow,  now  !  Not 
at  all.  No  apologies.  I  shouldn't  be 
able  to  forgive  myself  if  I  couldn't  allow 
a  man  his  joke.  But  I  shotdd  like  an 
explanation,  you  know.  Your  humor  is 
so  very  different  to  ours,  and  I  don't  be 
lieve  any  one  at  home,  if  I  said  you  had 
given  me  an  empty  envelope  to  carry  to 
your  uncle,  could  feel  the  spirit  of  it. 
And  these  things  are  so  tiresome,  you 
know,  when  they  happen  to  fall  flat, 
hope  you  won't  think  me  importunate 
if  I  say  I  should  like  to  know  just  where 
the  laugh  comes  in  on  a  thing  of  that 
kind?" 

Campbell :  "  Out  with  it,  Roberts  !" 

Mrs.  Roberts :  "  Don't  you  think —  Oh, 
I'm  sure  you'll  spoil  it,  Edward  !" 

Mrs.  Campbell :  "  Don't  you  think 
you'd  better  leave  it  to  Uncle  Philip  ?" 

Campbell :  "  Well,  that's  an  inspiration, 
Amy.  Leave  it  to  Uncle  Phil,  Roberts  !" 

Roberts,  with  a  deep  sigh  of  relief : 
"  Yes,  that  will  be  best.  My  Uncle  Phil 
ip  will  tell  you,  if  you  don't  mind." 


A  LETTER   OF   INTRODUCTION  6l 

Bella,  at  the  door :  "  Lunch  is  served, 
Mrs.  Roberts." 

Mrs.  Roberts,  gayly :  "  I'm  going  to  lead 
the  way,  with  Mr.  Westgate.  Edward, 
bring  Amy.  And,  Willis,  you  can — 

Campbell :  "  Oh,  come,  now !  None  of 
your  little  unconscious  jokes,  Agnes  !  I 
won't  stand  it  from  my  own  sister." 

Westgate  :  "  Ow  !  Do  the  American 
ladies  often  make  jokes  without  knowing 
it,  Mrs.  Roberts  ?"  To  Campbell :  "  But 
what  is  just  the  point  of —  Ow,  I  see ! 
•  Very  good  !  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  And  shall  we 
have  some  distinctively  American  dishes, 
Mrs.  Roberts?  You  know  I'm  so  very, 
very  curious  about  your  chowder,  and 
doughnuts,  and  maple  syrup,  and  buck 
wheat  cakes,  and  corn-dodgers,  and  hoe- 
downs.  Such  delightful  names.  They 
really  make  one's  mouth  water."  He 
goes  out  with  Mrs.  Roberts. 

Campbell,  lingering,  and  detaining  his 
wife  and  Roberts  :  "  Roberts,  can't  you 
dance  a  hoe-cake  for  him  ?  You  ought 
to  do  it  on  your  knees,  you  miserable 
sinner!" 

THE    END          /s 


THt 


r' 

rttt  ) 


UNIVERSITY  OP  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


OCT    4  1916 


JAN  .19  1931 


E 


jr- 


